Last time, we discussed the importance of organizing legal and financial matters when caring for a loved one, especially as their needs change.
Next step, deciding what happens when your loved one, such as a parent with Alzheimer’s, can no longer care for themselves. The choices can be overwhelming: should they move in with you, receive full-time in-home care, or transition to assisted living? This decision is deeply personal and often brings uncertainty and stress. Remember, there is no single “right” answer—every family’s situation is unique, and what matters most is finding a solution that works for everyone involved.
For my family, the decision was somewhat straightforward—at least in theory. Daddy made it clear he didn’t want to move in with us. He was concerned about becoming a burden, and more importantly, he didn’t want my children to witness his decline firsthand. When we realized the cost of 24-hour in-home care was prohibitive, we turned to assisted living as the more feasible option.
Kimberly and I faced limited choices in Stillwater, with only a few facilities within our budget. We moved my dad in, and after some initial resistance, he adjusted and was doing fairly well for a while. Unfortunately, things changed and he was asked to leave. With no other resources available in Stillwater, we began searching for options in Tulsa. This is another important thing to note, don’t be surprised when it’s not a one and done deal. For us, we went through three places. I came to dread the phone calls from the resident director as daddy acted more like a toddler getting kicked out of daycare than a grown man with a terminal illness. It sounds crazy but yes, you can get kicked out of an assisted living facility.
This experience taught me the value of asking for help. We reached out to aplaceformom.com, which was incredibly supportive during our search. I was also fortunate to have a close friend accompany me as we toured different facilities. She wasn’t just my close friend, we had worked together at a nursing home years earlier and knew a few things about well-run places and not so well run places. Just her presence was calming and I knew she would catch the things I was too emotional to notice. Having someone by your side—especially someone familiar with how these places operate—can make a world of difference. A second set of eyes and ears can ask questions you might not think of, especially when you’re still processing all the emotions and logistics involved.
Do your research, don’t feel obligated to make an appointment beforehand, stopping in will really give you an idea of how the place runs when no one is looking. Keep in mind that many places have a base rate and after assessing your loved one that cost can increase based on need. It’s not as simple as renting an apartment. The last place daddy lived was not much to look at, they were in the process of upgrading, but the staff was amazing. These sweet little ladies walked around all day singing old hymns and truly seemed to care about the residents. So don’t judge the book by the cover…..talk to the staff. These ladies were not only kind to my dad, but on the last day as I said my goodbyes they were a comfort to me as well and I am forever thankful.
Ultimately, whether you choose assisted living or in-home care, rely on your support network and the resources available. The Alzheimer’s website is a gold mine of helpful information and people to reach out to. They are there to help and they truly want to be of assistance. Each path comes with its own challenges and rewards, but being informed and seeking help can ease the process and ensure your loved one receives the best care possible. And again, there is no right or wrong answer here, we are all just doing the best we can on what feels like a road trip with no map. As Mike would say, don’t beat up on yourself, you’re doing the best you can.
